2018 was a wild ride.
In April we sold our retail store which meant that after 30 years of farming, raising a family, working and generally living a full life everything came to a screeching halt.
I retired.
It was an adjustment. The first day home the laundry was done, squares baked and house tidy before 9:00 am. Oiy. What was I going to do for the rest of the day I wondered, pulling lint off my pajamas.
Hubs had a fabulous idea…plant some trees. We live on an acreage so not 1 or 2 trees but 1100 of them. Yes, 1100. I wasn’t as thrilled as he was hoping I’d be but as I got myself out of the house each morning to care for those trees I started looking forward to it.
The cool tingly air awoke my senses. The physical exercise was doing great things to my body and I was bursting with vitamin D. Yah baby!
Of course it wasn’t all lovely and fun. By the time all the weeding and raking was done I was usually covered head to toe in dirt and had ripped off a few fingernails for good measure.
Having a routine after retirement is important I realized. It gave me something to look forward to, to depend on. It helped me accomplish something each day.
I had purpose.
That was until July when our 23-year-old son went into the hospital for his third open heart surgery. As I sat by his bed for the next several weeks watching him fight for his life I was undone. Helpless. Hopeless. Pitifully small in the faith department.
My adult life had been about meeting goals and getting things accomplished, my faith had never been tested like this and I was struggling.
For any of you that are in a season of faith building, more than likely the teacher’s name will be PAIN. Ouch.
What does life look like when you allow God to have his way?
What does life look like when you open your hands in surrender and give him your child’s life even if that means he takes it?
What does life look like when you are empty and he fills you with himself?
Peace. So I decided to embrace the pain and did the only thing I knew would help…pray.
My Prayer of Faith
My fierce protector and loving Father
Even your name is sacred and I honor it as I honor you
May my life, each circumstance, be a reflection of your presence
I submit myself to your will for the purpose of
Bearing fruit so that I can share your faithfulness with others
Help me not to look back in regret or forward in fear
Instead focus my eyes on today, this moment
So that I can plainly see your hands at work
Restore my heart so that it aligns with your plan
Help me not to be swept away in a tide of bitterness
Instead lead me to forgiveness that fills me with peace and
Although my heart aches for this to pass
I accept all things from your hand knowing
You are always with me, you will never leave me
I am never alone.
Those words hurt. If you’re in a circumstance that could use this prayer you’ll probably ugly cry just like I did. It takes guts to release selfishness, anger, hurt and disappointment so that God can do his work. But there’s a reward if you do.
Here it is:
He’ll shelter you under his wing, protecting you from every storm
He’ll help you drop your tiny fist so his mighty right hand can do battle on your behalf
He’ll fill you with strength so your tired feet can do more than just keep going, but run again
I’m excited to tell you that the Lord sustained our family through that season and he will sustain yours, I promise! I’m humbled that our son recovered and is now back home with his wife, what a miracle!
So 2019…bring it on.
Are you already dealing with some ugly junk in your life? Are you searching for peace? Do you long for deeper faith? I’d love to pray for you and encourage you. Send me a message and I’ll write your name in my daily prayer journal.
We’ll agree together to trust in the Lord, to invite the pain of this circumstance you’re going through to be a conduit for peace. We’ll be joyful for each tough circumstance that gives the Lord a platform to showcase his deep and abiding love. Above all we’ll pray for an increased faith that is deeper than the well of every painful circumstance.
Blessings,